As I stood amongst the Giants, I felt as though I were among friends. There is really no discribing the feeling..... really. They vibrate with such intensity! I "feel" the hush in the forest, sound is muffled yet sharp. Time has no meaning, no place, it is insignificant.
I stand with the Giants at my back and my face to the Sea, is there anywhere I can be this "at peace" on this Earth? If there is, I have yet to experience it. I have gone ther in guided meditations, not directed there but arived there none the less. The first time, I thought it was somewhere else, only to find when I arived there in person, that it really was this place. It is easy to see how some never leave the canopy, and dwell forever amongst the trunks of these mighty Giants. Make their homes in them. I will sleep amongst them again one day with my woodland family. But for now I must content myself with the memory..... and the anticipation......
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Inner Conflict
Well I find myself in the midst of a conundrum. I really want to do something, I know that it may be fun and bring me business, but at what cost? The ethics of the people involved are in question, I try not to judge them but find there is no way around it. At least so far as to decide if I want to do business with them. They look down upon me for wanting to do things the way our state and local government want things done.... meaning proper permits and certificates. I guess it is kind of like drinking and driving, sure you may do it all the time but there is hell to pay when you get caught! So most of us obey the law and don't. I have been belittled for paying a fee to use some one's studio for classes when I could use theirs for free. First off this studio has all it's proper papers, yes I will pay a fee for that, electric, heat, a/c, restrooms, running water, yes I will pay a fee for that, Helping a small struggling business to STAY in business locally 3mi from home so I have a place to work yes I'll pay a fee for that!
Can't believe these other people don't see that they are the parasites.... they want all the city services to be given, but they don't feel they need pay for building permits, certificates of occupancy (needed for ANY business that have customers that come to them) city business licenses. They say it is just another way for the city to take their money. They want to make noise about other businesses that are not good for our industry being too close but when both businesses are in actuality illegal, what can you do? One of them has the right name on the tax ID, but the numbers on street not right and wrong city? How do you justify that? You don't have to until you are caught, they say they will plead ignorance, what happened to " ignorance of the law is no excuse"? Judging? No! just the facts. They are responsible for their own actions.... as am I.... What to do. I would like to say it is all so easy, it looks like an easy decision, and in fact it should be, here comes the "but", I do not have the money to open, buy or rent space of my own or the time needed to generate enough business to justify the expenditure. I do enjoy the company of the others and we have lots in common and like to do allot of the same things when not at work, and with a few, but big exceptions have close to the same ethics, politics and views on many things.... Except this. Part of me is in fear that I will loose the friendship if I stand firm in my convictions, part of me says "so what"? "Do you need them if they think this is ok"? Well I am human after all. I do have one friend who feels as I do about this and has also offered her home as a place to do classes, and a nice home it is too! I will be doing classes there also. the other "friend" can't see that she is offering me a poison apple, more like doesn't WANT to see. I feel as though they have so much personal work to do and there is the need to BE a friend and offer support and what ever guidance I can to help them in their quest, but I also fear they are not ready to let go of some of the behaviors that contribute to their current situation..... not necessarily ready to DO the work.
I KNOW there is a place after this and I now need to be on the path chosen for this body, in this lifetime, if I do not want more strife and struggle I must stay on my path.... sometimes I think I need a fence so I don't wander!
I am sure for one reader, I am preaching to the choir....
Anyway, just workin to keep the path in sight!
Can't believe these other people don't see that they are the parasites.... they want all the city services to be given, but they don't feel they need pay for building permits, certificates of occupancy (needed for ANY business that have customers that come to them) city business licenses. They say it is just another way for the city to take their money. They want to make noise about other businesses that are not good for our industry being too close but when both businesses are in actuality illegal, what can you do? One of them has the right name on the tax ID, but the numbers on street not right and wrong city? How do you justify that? You don't have to until you are caught, they say they will plead ignorance, what happened to " ignorance of the law is no excuse"? Judging? No! just the facts. They are responsible for their own actions.... as am I.... What to do. I would like to say it is all so easy, it looks like an easy decision, and in fact it should be, here comes the "but", I do not have the money to open, buy or rent space of my own or the time needed to generate enough business to justify the expenditure. I do enjoy the company of the others and we have lots in common and like to do allot of the same things when not at work, and with a few, but big exceptions have close to the same ethics, politics and views on many things.... Except this. Part of me is in fear that I will loose the friendship if I stand firm in my convictions, part of me says "so what"? "Do you need them if they think this is ok"? Well I am human after all. I do have one friend who feels as I do about this and has also offered her home as a place to do classes, and a nice home it is too! I will be doing classes there also. the other "friend" can't see that she is offering me a poison apple, more like doesn't WANT to see. I feel as though they have so much personal work to do and there is the need to BE a friend and offer support and what ever guidance I can to help them in their quest, but I also fear they are not ready to let go of some of the behaviors that contribute to their current situation..... not necessarily ready to DO the work.
I KNOW there is a place after this and I now need to be on the path chosen for this body, in this lifetime, if I do not want more strife and struggle I must stay on my path.... sometimes I think I need a fence so I don't wander!
I am sure for one reader, I am preaching to the choir....
Anyway, just workin to keep the path in sight!
Monday, January 3, 2011
All things NEW
Well here we are at a new year! Do I have any resolutions? Well no, they are more like goals.
I have some new personal work this year, I'm sure there will be more but 2 days in I knew I should be working on my relationships with those I consider my "friends". Are you really my friend if I have to call or write you every time we have contact? does the phone not work both ways? When I invite you over and say you will come, then don't and don't call .... for weeks then say something lame like "oh I laid down to watch tv for a Minuit and fell asleep" .... doesn't this at least warrant an apology the next day or later that day or evening?... I tend not to pay so much attention, figure it is not intentional or personal, but when it happens over and over I have to wonder..... is it personal? If not why do I keep putting myself out there? It never fails to hurt my feelings yet I have ALWAYS been there for this family, when ever they need, I have been there from Illness to birthing babies to the helping hand during times of poverty, and in times of great personal pain as well as many, many happy times too.....
So this year I am working to figure out why I do this and what I can do to stop it!
Am I so desperate for companionship that I will do anything?.... NO! So it must be something else, I am sure it is connected to the boundary issues I know I have...... knowing when to say when so to speak. I seem to have a handle on most of the areas where this is an issue... all but this one.
I want to be a better wife... not that I am a bad one, but there is always room for improvement. Most of this is things about myself not the relationship.
We all deal with sexual issues as we get older, though now along with some of that I have had surgery and need to start over, it is not something you can just dive into like a chilly pond! My husband is great and we are working through this ...again..... this is not the first time but we are no longer in our 30s or nearly as fit ha ha. we truly a team and for that I am grateful! So I do owe myself, him and our marriage some time to see where I can do better, I have spent allot of time improving myself as a human being, so this year I will point some of that energy into making my marriage stronger and better than it is now, and it is already quit good. We are planning for our not so much retirement, but for the day when we work because we want to not because we have to.
We cut our debt in half last year, we won't be quite as aggressive this year, we know we can't do another year with out some recreation, with the change in the economy our income went down shortly after agreeing to terms that made the year real tough.... but it will be worth it! I think this year we will go slower and be a bit more comfortable.... sometimes you just need a rest!
I have a business starting up this year, and will publish the website this month so my last goal of 2010 is on track and started the year with a few bucks in the bank, and my husband has 3 interviews for a new position at work today!
HELLO 2011! SHIFT happens! Lets fly!!!!
I have some new personal work this year, I'm sure there will be more but 2 days in I knew I should be working on my relationships with those I consider my "friends". Are you really my friend if I have to call or write you every time we have contact? does the phone not work both ways? When I invite you over and say you will come, then don't and don't call .... for weeks then say something lame like "oh I laid down to watch tv for a Minuit and fell asleep" .... doesn't this at least warrant an apology the next day or later that day or evening?... I tend not to pay so much attention, figure it is not intentional or personal, but when it happens over and over I have to wonder..... is it personal? If not why do I keep putting myself out there? It never fails to hurt my feelings yet I have ALWAYS been there for this family, when ever they need, I have been there from Illness to birthing babies to the helping hand during times of poverty, and in times of great personal pain as well as many, many happy times too.....
So this year I am working to figure out why I do this and what I can do to stop it!
Am I so desperate for companionship that I will do anything?.... NO! So it must be something else, I am sure it is connected to the boundary issues I know I have...... knowing when to say when so to speak. I seem to have a handle on most of the areas where this is an issue... all but this one.
I want to be a better wife... not that I am a bad one, but there is always room for improvement. Most of this is things about myself not the relationship.
We all deal with sexual issues as we get older, though now along with some of that I have had surgery and need to start over, it is not something you can just dive into like a chilly pond! My husband is great and we are working through this ...again..... this is not the first time but we are no longer in our 30s or nearly as fit ha ha. we truly a team and for that I am grateful! So I do owe myself, him and our marriage some time to see where I can do better, I have spent allot of time improving myself as a human being, so this year I will point some of that energy into making my marriage stronger and better than it is now, and it is already quit good. We are planning for our not so much retirement, but for the day when we work because we want to not because we have to.
We cut our debt in half last year, we won't be quite as aggressive this year, we know we can't do another year with out some recreation, with the change in the economy our income went down shortly after agreeing to terms that made the year real tough.... but it will be worth it! I think this year we will go slower and be a bit more comfortable.... sometimes you just need a rest!
I have a business starting up this year, and will publish the website this month so my last goal of 2010 is on track and started the year with a few bucks in the bank, and my husband has 3 interviews for a new position at work today!
HELLO 2011! SHIFT happens! Lets fly!!!!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Fa la la la la
Well here it is, another year ending and the people come out like ants in a swarm to spend themselves into even further debt for stuff that for the most part is unneeded, unwanted, and most likely purchased by obligation. A sad view of Christmas? Yes but it is what we have become! I see all around me people buying gifts for people they barely know because it is "expected" of them. Buying gifts for the children of their child's new, live-in's children, whom they've never met and may never see again, Your hair dresser, what do you give your door man, your children's teachers?.... and what do you do when they no longer have just one? Nieces and nephews? just those who live near you and you will see? just those who actually know or like you? All of them? None of them? And the there are the friends.... and their children and perhaps grandchildren.
Do you wonder what would happen if you stopped forced gifting? What I mean by forced is, the gifts you give because the date tells you to birthdays, Christmas, Anniversary's, Valentine's day? what if we went back to giving a gift of the heart, not so much the wallet, when we felt moved to give something?
Could we be loosing the meaning and good feeling of giving because we "have to"?
I resent having to buy stuff for kids who don't even speak to me unless they are told to or because they want a present for some "date" on a calender.
Don't get me wrong! Oh no! I love to give presents! but those that I do give to, know they are likely to get stuff all year rather than on just those days, I feel joy in giving. When I give something and the recipient is truly thankful or appreciative, when they light up with excitement even if it is cheap, because it is "them" or they see it made me think of them, as well as those things I give because someone wants something they can't afford or justify the expenditure even if its 20.00.
I like the spirit of giving, I like the Christmas spirit, it just means something different to me.
Do you wonder what would happen if you stopped forced gifting? What I mean by forced is, the gifts you give because the date tells you to birthdays, Christmas, Anniversary's, Valentine's day? what if we went back to giving a gift of the heart, not so much the wallet, when we felt moved to give something?
Could we be loosing the meaning and good feeling of giving because we "have to"?
I resent having to buy stuff for kids who don't even speak to me unless they are told to or because they want a present for some "date" on a calender.
Don't get me wrong! Oh no! I love to give presents! but those that I do give to, know they are likely to get stuff all year rather than on just those days, I feel joy in giving. When I give something and the recipient is truly thankful or appreciative, when they light up with excitement even if it is cheap, because it is "them" or they see it made me think of them, as well as those things I give because someone wants something they can't afford or justify the expenditure even if its 20.00.
I like the spirit of giving, I like the Christmas spirit, it just means something different to me.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Changes
Change is in the air! It is apparently time to have new and different energy in my field.
I finally figured out what I was supposed to see in all this time down.
For one, be true to yourself in everything you do, it is ok to assess what others want and need from you but you also have to look at what's in it for you..... not in the way you might think.... But in the way of does this feed my soul? or does it eat away at my soul? do good things happen to me me when I do things that feed my soul? for ME yes! It is not always easy to do this but no one ever said it would be. Sometimes our lessons lie in those times that are hard, we are reminded how small AND how great we are. We are often being challenged to put need above want..... and to define the difference between the two. Too often we get very confused on this issue..... we want something so badly we treat it as a need then we get into trouble......
Do I NEED more money.... More anything? NO! If I NEED anything it is LESS!!!!
No matter how much or how little we have had, we have always been happy, but the more money we have, the more stuff we have, and the more stress we have!
I have traveled this country on my thumb with only the clothes on my back and it was grand! Now I have so much I can barely go on a 2 day vacation!
My house right now is allot like my brain.... has allot of really cool stuff surrounded by allot of trivial BS! I hope in the process of learning to forget the stuff that doesn't nourish my soul, I also learn to let go of the clutter....I keep everything..... thoughts, events, mementos of events.... the most precious moment of my life with my husband did not make the wedding tape, we said " some things are best kept as memories".... Need to work on that concept as a life plan.... don't need old concert tickets, arm bands from other festivals.... Every time I get rid of stuff I just get more stuff.... where does it stop?
I have also found that I am good at what I do and do not need to stand in the shadow, or bask in the glow of another to be seen or appreciated. I do not need outside validation..... well ok still not weaned off that completely but I have learned to know my own value.
So it is time for me to get out of what ever bubble I have created for myself and stand in my own power and be who and what I was meant to be. It has taken many years to teach me that I CAN"T do things, lets hope it is a somewhat faster process to show me that I can
I finally figured out what I was supposed to see in all this time down.
For one, be true to yourself in everything you do, it is ok to assess what others want and need from you but you also have to look at what's in it for you..... not in the way you might think.... But in the way of does this feed my soul? or does it eat away at my soul? do good things happen to me me when I do things that feed my soul? for ME yes! It is not always easy to do this but no one ever said it would be. Sometimes our lessons lie in those times that are hard, we are reminded how small AND how great we are. We are often being challenged to put need above want..... and to define the difference between the two. Too often we get very confused on this issue..... we want something so badly we treat it as a need then we get into trouble......
Do I NEED more money.... More anything? NO! If I NEED anything it is LESS!!!!
No matter how much or how little we have had, we have always been happy, but the more money we have, the more stuff we have, and the more stress we have!
I have traveled this country on my thumb with only the clothes on my back and it was grand! Now I have so much I can barely go on a 2 day vacation!
My house right now is allot like my brain.... has allot of really cool stuff surrounded by allot of trivial BS! I hope in the process of learning to forget the stuff that doesn't nourish my soul, I also learn to let go of the clutter....I keep everything..... thoughts, events, mementos of events.... the most precious moment of my life with my husband did not make the wedding tape, we said " some things are best kept as memories".... Need to work on that concept as a life plan.... don't need old concert tickets, arm bands from other festivals.... Every time I get rid of stuff I just get more stuff.... where does it stop?
I have also found that I am good at what I do and do not need to stand in the shadow, or bask in the glow of another to be seen or appreciated. I do not need outside validation..... well ok still not weaned off that completely but I have learned to know my own value.
So it is time for me to get out of what ever bubble I have created for myself and stand in my own power and be who and what I was meant to be. It has taken many years to teach me that I CAN"T do things, lets hope it is a somewhat faster process to show me that I can
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Seeking
What is it that I seek? Everything, happiness, truth, God, Forgiveness, a way to make my life make sense. I have found that humans have placed allot of worth in things that don't really matter.
When you look at the BIG picture how much do we really need? Most of what we NEED we pay little or no attention to. I know I spend too much time dealing with outside influences when I should be looking inward, feeding my spirit. This does not mean becoming introverted, or going to church, reading the bible or anything like that. Not that those are necessarily bad things. I simply mean feeding my spirit with all that is given to me by my creator. The creator does not care about nice houses, the big game, the latest episode of someone Else's real or imitation life.
What am I doing? What can I do to be calmer, freer - happier?
Learning to quiet the mind and just be, to concern myself with just this one concept. To hear that which I am supposed to hear and see what I am supposed to see.
Do I need to fit in someones box to do this? NO! In fact most seekers don't.......
How do I clear the thought patterns that keep me bound to things that are not healthy for my mind, body or spirit?
At the behest of a fellow seeker, I wish to share the journey with any like minded fellow travelers who wish to tag along.
When you look at the BIG picture how much do we really need? Most of what we NEED we pay little or no attention to. I know I spend too much time dealing with outside influences when I should be looking inward, feeding my spirit. This does not mean becoming introverted, or going to church, reading the bible or anything like that. Not that those are necessarily bad things. I simply mean feeding my spirit with all that is given to me by my creator. The creator does not care about nice houses, the big game, the latest episode of someone Else's real or imitation life.
What am I doing? What can I do to be calmer, freer - happier?
Learning to quiet the mind and just be, to concern myself with just this one concept. To hear that which I am supposed to hear and see what I am supposed to see.
Do I need to fit in someones box to do this? NO! In fact most seekers don't.......
How do I clear the thought patterns that keep me bound to things that are not healthy for my mind, body or spirit?
At the behest of a fellow seeker, I wish to share the journey with any like minded fellow travelers who wish to tag along.
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